Dreaming / Chantelle Maree (Sis)

My special brother,

I dreamt of you again the other night. It was a good but bad dream.

I was at Jenny's with everyone...just like at her 60th, and Mum, Jenny, Caine, Lorraine, Susan and a few others were sitting on chairs in a circle talking and being their usual selves. When all of a sudden the scenery changed to the cemetary on a cloudy, rainy day. but the adults were still sitting on the chairs actin normal. Then i went for a walk to your grave and looked down at it. Then i got a tap on the shoulder and i turned around and there you were...as happy as can be with that big, friendly grin on your face. I hugged you so tight. Then we sat down on a chair each and i started talking to you.

A while later Mum came over to me and said "Who are you talking to?"

And i said..."I'm talking to Daniel. Can't you see him?"

Mum simply said to me..."Darl, Daniel's gone forever."

She then started to cry. I got angry with her and started to yell at her.

I said..."MUM! DANIEL IS STILL HERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ANY OF US! HE LOVES US ALL SO MUCH. HE TOLD ME JUST A SECOND AGO!"

She replied..."STOP BEING SILLY CHANTELLE! MY FIRST BORN CANNOT COME BACK AS MUCH AS WE WOULD ALL LIKE HIM TOO! LEAVE ME ALONE AND DON'T TALK TO ME FOR A WHILE! YOU'RE BEING STUPID!"

I said..."FINE! IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE!"

I started to cry and cry.

You then came to me and said..."What's wrong with OUR Mum?

I calmed down, held you and told you what happened.

You went quiet.

After all that, you sat quietly in front of a TV that was in the middle of the cemetary and you said to me..."You' wanna play the sony?"

I said..."OK"

And then you said to me..."You know sis', i would be able to concentrate alot better if you sat next to me and hugged me."

So that's what i did.

I LOVE YOU DANIEL...AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS YOU.

FOREVER IN MY HEART AND THOUGHTS!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Close

Just a short letter this time. =)  / Chantelle Maree (Sister)
Daniel...
I still miss you and occasionally do see you walking around as if you were still here.
Sometimes I even feel as if you are with me in person. Like the other day in my room your picture slid down my cupboard so I went and fixed it then left my room for about 20 mins and when I came back in it was down again. FREAKY! Maybe its just mind over matter. Hmmm?
I dreamt of Jolene and Shauna too...
I was at school when there was a knock on my classroom door. I was the only one in the room at the time so I answered the door and it was Jolene and Shauna. Jolene had come to visit me just so i could spend time with Shauna and get her to get use to me. I looked into her eyes and i saw you. I then said to Jolene...her eyes are...Daniel. Jolene started to cry and told me that i can come and spend as much time as i wanted with Shauna whenever i wanted to. 
So yeh...that was my dream. I just wish it was real. =(
Well that was my short letter to you hehe
Love you forever...wish you were here.
Miss you.
xoxoxox

Sis'  =) Close

JUST WANTED TO WRITE  / MUM WHO LOVES N. MISSES YOU (MY FIRST BORN )

YOUR CLAYTONS FATHER THOUGHT OF YOU TODAY
It is true, Bob who does not say much remembered you giving him a 'Boney M' cassette that you had bought in Canberra. He stated that he liked it so you said "you can keep it , I'll get another one later on". You thought a lot of Bob and accepted him more than you had ever accepted anyone before.
~*~
Well it is xmas again and the first year that Jackson has not had his Dad around. I sent him a small gift which was a replacment for one that has been lost or at least misplaced. I do not know if he will want it, he will have to make that choice for himself. 
I do not know how Shauna is as Jolene does not wish for me to know. I do worry about her well being, Shauna that is. Jolene feels that I have been dishonest with her. She does not go to your grave, she wanted Josephs name on the plaque and I did not feel that this was appropiate.
~*~
 

Close

No Reason...Just Thought I Should Write.  / Mum Mum (Mum)

Well here it is nearly Xmas, this will be the first year of many to come that you are not and will not be here to share with your family and your kids. I don't really see what all the hoo-haa is about but thats just me I guess. 
Shauna went to Brungle and seen Santa, I only know because Susan told me. I worry a bit about Shaunas' well being. I wish that Jolene would look at us as friends and not as enemies. I know that she is hurt by your leaving but we all are. Susan is very persistant when it comes to seeing Shauna....the relationship between Shauna and Jackson is important to Susan but I do not think that Jolene sees it that way...sad I think. 
Love Ya Boy Forever And Always.
~*My First Born~Daniel Richard*~   

Close

Just another letter...  / Chantelle Maree (Loving Sister )
Hey Daniel,                                                                 10-12-07
Just writing to you to tell you a bit about my birthday.
Well I have been 15 for a week now...YAY! It was just an ordinary birthday...I didnt have a party this year but next year when i turn 16 i will probably have one...Whoo hoo! 
I got a digital camera that i use so much, two rings which are really nice, clothes, a bracelet, two teddy bears, and my most prized possesion of all-a framed set of photos of you and me at your wedding where i was only 18 months old. Plus heaps more from friends...just can't be bothered to write it all hehe...but it was really good. I had a good day.
I got a phonecall from Quentin and Caine wishing me a Happy Birthday which was good. I just wish i could have gotten one from you...but i know you still wish me all the best where ever you are. Thankyou.
It just breaks my heart knowing that 1 very important person has been taken from my life and i can never get him back. I MISS YOU DANIEL.

Anyways...everything has been going well...I'm feeling much better since the last letter i wrote to you.

School is going ok...only 2 weeks left! I am a bit over it but after doing a week of work experience i think i will stay in school because work is tiring hehe

Well I think im gonna go now and get ready for bed...
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!
xoxoxoxox
Write to you another time

Good night xXx
Close

MY FAULT...BAD DAY!  / Chantelle Maree (Loving sister )

Daniel,

The last couple of days havn't been too good for me...
I was talking to mum about things the other night while she was on the computer and we kinda had a little argument. It was my fault as I seem to expect too much from her which makes her upset...well thats what it seems like. 
It started with me asking for money to go into town to shop for some birthday and christmas presents for my friends when she said..."This whole present buying business is CRAP! There is no point to spend any money on you're friends for anything!" 
I told her that I would like to buy them something because I feel that it is a nice thing to do seeing as they do it for me as well. But she still insisted that it was stupid.
Me being me...(a bitch) just said well im gonna do it anyway...
And she said...'Yeh, whats' the point in even trying with you because you would do what you want regardless.'
Then she said to me she doesn't want to do birthdays' or christmas and that she doesn't want anything to do with it at all. 
I said why? She simply said...I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE.OK?
I don't know what she meant by that...she wouldn't say after I asked her but it upset me.
Then she said...just leave me alone!
I walked off into my room crying my eyes out...

DANIEL, I'M SCARED!

I've been a bitch like this for a while now and I have finally realised how i act but its gonna be very hard for me to fix it! I know it shouldn't be...but it will be!

I feel like I am the blame for her misery! I am not doing enough to support her...
She is broken inside and can never be mended! The pain I see her go through almost everyday tears me apart and I wish I did more. 
I just want to sit and hug her but I can't approach her. 
I don't deserve a mum like the one I have! And she doesn't deserve some one like me...she deserves more!
I treat her like SHIT and just take her for granted!

I AM A BITCH!

I love her so much but I don't think she sees that...and by reading this letter, I don't think you would see it either.
Tell me, how can she love some one who treats her like CRAP and expects everything from her even if it is impossible to get, without doing anything in return  ???

I DON'T KNOW!

She is struggling and I can see it. Her mood has changed and she is angry with ME. The way she speaks to me is like the 'You're the boss, you tell me' kinda way.
 
I AM TO BLAME.

I have been so pushy that its like she has nothing to live for...

Fucking hell!!! 
I am really annoyed with myself! 
I'll be ok...everything will be! 

This letter is just how I am feeling at the moment...it will improve.

Anyways...I needed to get that out...I hate feeling like this but its something I can't control! I cry and cry over this but it helps in a way.
I wrote to you to tell you what happened because I know you like me telling you things, and I felt I needed to tell you.

And next time I write to you...I'll try and make it a good, happy letter. I will tell you about my birthday because you always use to ring and ask what I got and wish me a Happy Birthday...but I now have to get use to the fact that I will never get a phonecall like that again.

I Love you so much Daniel...I'll miss you forever!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Love from your one and only loving sister,
Chantelle

Close

Trying to remember  / Michele (aunt)
Ive been trying to remember things about you. I spent alot of time with you but have hardly any memories. Is that because i just always thought you would be there, so i didnt take mental notes? 
Yes i was the one who kicked you and broke your leg. I was the one who yelled at you when you bought home that scraggy dog believing i would happily except you into my home. I cursed you for creating some weird meal, that you expected me to eat, i think it was a combination of sweet and sour chicken and spagetti bol. The time we went to 'mexican', and some tough dudes picked you calling you 'Poindexta' made us laugh for months. 
The sound track from eddie and the crusiers
You drawing, sharpening my colours almost away.
Your way of strolling along, hands in your pockets.
Your ability to eat and eat and eat.
Your smell when you came home from work.
The happiness we felt when you got excepted into the navy.
I'm disheartened I cant remember much else, 
My stongest memory, is of your witt, your inteligence, and your smile.
Everyday something reminds me of you, and i wish there was more then memories.
lovemm
  Close

I NEVER KNEW YOU  / J.R. THAYER (MUM'S SCRABBLE BUD )
DANIEL, I ONLY KNOW OF YOU THROUGH YOUR MUM, WHO I MET PLALYING SCRABBLE ON THE INTERNET. WE HAVE BECOME REAL FRIENDS DESPITE NEVER HAVING MET IN PERSON. I KNOW HER TO BE LOVING AND CARING PERSON WITH A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR. I ALSO KNOW SHE MISSES YOU BADLY, BUT IS STRONG AND WILL BE ABLE TO CARRY ON WITH ALL OF HER FOND MEMORIES OF YOU. I LOVED THE PICTURE OF YOU ON YOUR TWENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY. YOUR GREAT SMILE REVEALED SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. YOU WILL BE MISSED BADLY. MAY YOU FINALLLY HAVE FOUND THE INNER PEACE WE ALL SO DESPERATELY SEARCH FOR. Close

Daniel / Sharanne Quinn (Friend and more )
Daniel I have so many memories, we met when you were quite young, cute and very very smart, adventurous and very very determined. You were either lucky or unlucky to have two younger followers! You three were very well known in our quiet little housing trust parade! Always up to mischief and adventure, you three were inseperable, my sister Maree and your aunty Michelle used to shudder at what you guys did! but they must of secretly admired all the enterainment because they kept comming back! We had a few moves and added sibblings Quentin for you  and Caine and Jodie for Richard, but the fun continued you just had more followers! then we moved big time but thank God we still caught up when we could and the fun continued on these occassions, I did say sorry to you in hospital for that bloody meat loaf I cooked on one of your S.A visits, in case you didn't hear me its been haunting me since we lost you, Daniel I am sorry. I didn't share enough of your life the last ten years, for this I am truly sorry, but I love you Daniel and I am so happy you were apart of my and my Richard and Jodies' lives. Hoping your at peace Love always Sharanne xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   Close

~*My First Born*~  / Leonie Guihot (Mum)

I have and always will be proud of my first born Daniel Richard.He was an extremely bright and intelligent child.This scared me some what. Where did this trait come from. In his last correspondence he felt that he had failed and let all of us down.Daniel never let anyone down and he was not a failure,he had an illness, the dreaded bi-polar depression. As a mum I feel that I failed him in not being able to make him better, this is what mums do, their unconditional love is supposed to fix all ailments no matter how tragic. Daniel in taking his own life took on my role as the magic healer and made himself better....at least in his eyes.

Close

Fuck this is hard!  / Chantelle Maree (Loving sister )
To my dearest and only Daniel,
I am finding this so hard. I have never ever hurt this much in my life...its CRAZY!
I see you in everyday life just walkin around being the happy chap you are. MAN! I wish it was real...
I cry for you almost every day and it tears me to pieces...I WANT YOU BACK! I just want to be able to talk to you and be with you again. I think about you and
I have so much to tell you. If only you could talk to me.
Well for starters...everything i see or hear relates to you or what you have done...it makes me get a stomach full of butterflies.
Caine, Lorraine and the kids came here for a visit...it was good. When they were here i even had a dream about you...this is what it was:
"Me, Lorraine and Kerry-anne were in by your hospital bed and everyone else who came to see you were in the waiting room. We were all crying and then Lorraine took Kerry-anne out of the room as she couldnt handle it...i was left in there because i didnt want to leave your side. I was crying so much (like i am now) and i said to you: "Daniel, i love you so much and i wish you never had to go." Then you started to wake up and when you awoke you gave me the biggest smile and hug you could ever imagine! You then said: "What are you talkin about sis'...i'm still here and i would never dream of leaving you"
I was so happy that you were fine and you were so happy to be here with your family beside you.

This dream makes me feel like i am the blame for this and that i should have said something to you in the hospital to make things right.

Anyways...school is going good...its a bit tough at the moment because of all my exams and stuff. I did an assignment on a recent memory in my life and it was all to do with you. See...even in your passing you help me in so many ways...xoxox
And YES i DO have a boyfriend!
You would like him. His name is Nathen. hehe Just thought i would tell you because you always use to ask me.
Ive talked to him about you and some memories i have of you.
I also talked to his big sister Jess...She is so supportive and she listens to what i have to say to let some of this weight off my shoulders. She's a great person! She is always happy, positive and cheerful! Just like you were! 
I have the bestest friends in the whole world who have helped me through this.
I feel that what you have done is partly my fault as i should have been a better sister to you. But i failed that!
I feel i need to talk to you but i hate the feeling of knowing you wont talk back...IT SUCKS!
I have so much more to say...i know it...but its hard to think when your sitting in a soaking wet shirt from crying...i wish i could write it all. xxx

I will write to you again one day...when i feel im ready and when i think of other things to say.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ILL MISS YOU LIKE HELL!!!

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Lots of love from your one and only sister,
xXx Chantelle xXx
Close